Change your Perspective and take control of your life
Perspective: when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change
I’m not supposed to be here this week - I should be in Chicago at the Global Leadership Summit - #GLS20 - but plans were changed. Have you had plans changed on you in the last few months?
I’m sure you have.
We wanted things to go a certain way, there were things we wanted to do, things we wanted to achieve- oh the places we would go and the things we would see…
Instead - it has been a very different season - as we enter month 5 of covid here in the UK
Even though no-one could travel to South Barrington in Chicago for the GLS, I - like thousands of others around the world joined for a virtual summit - watching on video live stream -
One of the guest speakers forced me to change my perspective.
You see I had only ever seen him speak in sound bites - chosen my media people with their own agenda to make him look a certain way
But the man who spoke for 30 minutes, sharp, witty, insightful, a man of deep faith - who started every day of his presidency reading the bible - who became a christian after his dad invited Billy Graham round for dinner to give him a good talking to… I had to change my perspective of George W Bush junior
This week I want to talk about perspective – and how changing your perspective will give you the power to take control of your situation, your career, your business and your future.
Let me give you another example - if this story was on buzzfeed the click bait headline would be…
I WATCHED IN ASTONISHMENT AS SMOKE ROSE FROM MY FINGER... THEN THE PAIN HIT.
Up until the incident of the burning finger, it had been an uneventful dog walk. But as I was returning home, within sight of my house, I had to cross a narrow bridge over the River Avon. My two dogs were on their leads, because one of them is scared of other dogs.
I was walking Jazz the Cockapoo and Grace the Spaniel. As I crossed the narrow bridge two other dogs came towards us. These other dogs were not on leads, in fact they were not with their human. And they were barking. Which set my two dogs off barking as well. Jazz was being scared and a bit aggressive trying to warn the other dogs away. Grace then joined in because, well, why miss out on the chance to have a good bark?
As the other two dogs started to come towards me, Grace and Jazz got more excitable. They pulled on their leads to try to get to the other dogs. Suddenly, the brake on Grace's extender lead released and she darted forward towards the other two dogs. Desperate to stop the dogs from meeting I reached out with my free hand and grabbed the cord of the lead as it unwound from the handset. I grabbed the cord and held tight trying to stop Grace's forward movement. The cord sped through my clenched fist. I watched in astonishment as smoke rose from my finger ... friction burned from the speeding cord. Then it stopped. I recovered Grace and got the dogs back under control, just as the owner of the other dogs arrived on the bridge.
"Don't worry" said the woman, oblivious to the smell of my charred flesh - "they only want to play."
"But mine don't," I retorted. Then the woman gathered up her dogs and ambled away and I made a dash for home. As I reached the front door I looked at the deep gash burned into my finger by the speeding cord, and the pain hit.
As I bandaged my finger in the kitchen, I thought about how I could have handled the situation better. If I had held a lead in each hand, rather than both in one hand, I would have been able to re-engage the brake on the extender lead with my thumb. If I had backed off the bridge when I saw the other dogs approaching the situation would not have escalated into a barking match. There were several things I could have done which would have avoided the smoking finger.
What is the point in having a wound if you don't show it to people? I took great pleasure in telling this story to anyone who would listen over the next few days, and showed off my wound with pride.
Everyone I told the story to, criticised the woman and said that she should keep her dogs under control. In the court of public opinion, the case of the burning finger was definitely 'her fault.'
It's very tempting to blame other people when something goes wrong, isn't it? She should not let her dogs run free, she should train her dogs to return to her when called, and so on.
When we take responsibility for our own decisions and actions, we put ourselves in a place of control. And when we are in control we are better able to succeed.
Let's use my encounter on the bridge as an example.
If I focus on what the other woman did wrong, several things will happen. I will mentally list all the things she did wrong, I will probably become cross with her. Because of her, my finger got burned! I will then become frustrated because there is nothing I can do about this situation. It's in the past. There is also nothing I can do about how this woman walks her dogs in the future - she may continue to let them run free.
But, if I focus instead on my behaviour, everything changes. You see, I can not change what the other woman does but I can change my behaviour. I can decide to hold the dog leads differently, so I have better control. I can learn from the situation and decide to walk off the bridge if I encounter free-roaming dogs in the future. I can take action, meaning burned fingers are much less likely if I get into a similar situation again.
Now you may be thinking - that's not fair. Why should I have to change when the other person was in the wrong. Well, what is it that you want? Do you want to stop getting your fingers burned or do you want to be right? If I can make a simple change and come out on top next time, why would I not do so?
Things go wrong all the time. In life, in business and when walking dogs. Success comes to those who learn and adapt.
Stephen Covey - the man who wrote the 7 habits of highly effective people said: The way we see the problem is the problem.
The way we see the problem is the problem
Change your perspective – and you can take control
One of the most common challenges, most common fears people have in relation to public speaking is this – the fear of judgement from the audience, what people in the room will think of them –
What if they disagree with me
What if they don’t like me
I can tell by their faces they don’t support what I am saying
Well over half the people who attend my courses are female – my next Masterclass in September is sold out and its 100% female attendance in fact.
And of all the reasons why people say they come on my speaking courses and workshops – in person or online courses – fear of the audience, fear of judgement by the audience is always in the top 2 reasons
When I think about my own career – the times when I have struggled
With imposter syndrome
When the trust relationship with my boss has broken down to the point I don’t believe it can be fixed and I’m sure I will never advance any further in that team
While I don’t know what it’s like to be a female in a male dominated work place or industry – I can talk about the problems I have faced, how I felt at the time and how I dealt with them – for better or for worse. And it turns out there is a lot of universality in the human experience and regardless of gender of background we tell ourselves a lot of the same lies.
So let’s talk about the lies we tell ourselves about the audiences – whether that’s five people on a zoom call or 5000 people in a conference auditorium
You see we treat our beliefs as facts – we behave as if they are a true description of the world – but often they are just crazy things we made up in our own minds
Max Planck said – when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change
And today I want you to change the way you look at your audience
Here are the top 3 lies we tell ourselves about the audience that undermine our confidence
They are judging me
I’m boring
They don’t agree with me
Today we are going to demolish those lies. Pay attention speaker – it’s time to change your perspective.
They are judging me
It would be nice to be that important perhaps – but honestly – your problem isn’t that the audiences is thinking about you, its more likely they are not thinking about you at all. We are all the stars of our own soap operas and people think about us way less than we imagine. As a speaker your job is to work harder to get the audience to actually listen to your message and take action as a result. They may or may not agree with your message, they may or may not be convinced by your argument – but rarely will they think about you after you have sat down.
Look at their faces – I’m boring
In any audiences there will usually be one or more golden retrievers – you know those happy dogs that look like they are smiling all the time – and the golden retrievers in your room are the people who will smile and nod along with you – no matter how good or bad you are – they will smile encouragement to you. Focus on the golden retrievers and smile back at them. Ignore the lady in the front row who has her eyes shut – it’s not about you – she has a young baby at home and is sleep deprived and she’s just sat down in a warm dark room – Beyonce and Tom Cruise could be on the stage and she would still be nodding off. It’s not about you - don’t assume that it is. Many people, me included, when they are thinking about something have a sort of vacant expression on their face – which could easily be taken to look like boredom. It’s not – it’s their listening face.
My point is - don’t accuse the audience of thinking or behaving in a way that you just made up in your own crazy head – it’s not about you. Change your perspective of the audience and focus on giving them a great presentation, full of valuable information. It’s not about how they feel about you – its about how you make the audience feels about themselves.
They don’t agree with me
Of course they don’t – if the audience already knows and agrees with everything you are saying then you are wasting their time. But – if you are sharing a new perspective, if you are teaching the audience, if you are guiding them along a path they have never walked before or never even knew existed – then of course – by definition – they will start off not believing you because you are telling them something new – something which is forcing them to re-evaluate their mental model of how the world works. Not agreeing with you is step one of the audience’s journey. Your job as the speaker is to influence them and educate them so they take the next step and start to understand, accept and believe what you are saying. This is why competence is just as important as confidence when you speak. Confidence is how you feel and how it affects the audience’s perception of you – but competence – being a good speaker – with a clear and courageous message – this is what influences the audience to take action and change their beliefs and change their behaviour.
It’s time to change your perspective and take control. Take control of your career, your business and your future – and learning how to stand up and speak with confidence and competence – clarity and courage will change your life – I guarantee it.
I have a fantastic resource to share with you that will help you do exactly that – my online Speak with Confidence course which has just had a very significant upgrade.
I want my clients to receive the best value possible so from now on, and all existing clients will receive this benefit backdated into their account – my introductory level course – Speak with Confidence has now been upgraded to include the next level intermediate level course Speak with Clarity – for free. These two courses were previously on sales for £197 each but now when you enrol in Speak with Confidence you will also get the full Speak with Clarity course as a free bonus all for just £197.
If you would like to know more, go to www.malmesburyspeakers.com/online and click on Speak with Confidence to learn more about how the course works, the video coaching that’s included and the personal feedback I give to you on all your practical exercises – it is one of the things that makes my online courses unique. They are not simply videos to watch – it is real two way engagement and personal attention for every client from me.
Make the most of this season – the different pace of life and work and invest in yourself – grow your confidence and learn how to stand up and speak with confidence – in the boardroom, on zoom or on the conference stage. It will open up a whole new world of opportunities for you and your family.